on riding the train

Keep in mind, I’m not one to judge. I never have been, and I never will be. It’s not something that I would ever do, because I think judging is the basis for exclusionary tactics, and I think exclusionary tactics are exactly what they say: exclusionary. Exclusionary? Not me. I’m like the fruitcake your mom makes for Christmas: I welcome *everything*.

However, I was on the train yesterday and I saw a girl sitting there, hair pulled back, perfectly manicured wearing a white dress with lace trim, and a plain brown skirt, checking her Blackberry. Normally, I’d assume she’s off to some sort of regional theatre gig playing Louisa May Alcott in a revival of “Little Woman: The Musical” but the fact that it was Wednesday morning, at 7:45AM leads me to believe otherwise. It leads me to believe that, this woman - whom we’ll call Shiphrah - left the house intentionally, dressed like this. Took a quick look in the full length mirror beside her 48″ LCD TV and thought “Yeah Shi, you look good today. Nothing like Puritan to emphasize my hottness.” Or, as she catches her lacy frill in the window of her Lexus ES and thinks “Mmmmm S, ain’t nothin’ hotter than a girl that evokes Ecclesiastes in her suitor’s mind”. Now again, I’m not one to say anything (I am, after all, wearing a dark blue shirt with dark blue jeans) but it makes you wonder a couple things.

1. Maybe she’s trying to prove her purity by dressing like a Mormon in menopause? After all, in this day and age without a Purity Ring how can a man know that his lady is really as untouched as she says she is?
2. Maybe I’m wrong, and she’s actually the head mistress of a cult based in Park Grove IL? A cult wherein you knit beer coozies and do nothing but discuss Mitch Albom’s “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” all day long? Granted, if a cult like this existed I’d love to go there, because I guarantee they have some of the best Chocolate Chip Cookies you’ve ever tasted. And their Rhubarb Pies? Three words: To. Die. For.
3. Where, in the wonderful city of Chicago can you go find Biblical wear? For House of Weird Death, I spent a good day trying to find dancewear in the city, and those were pretty sparse. I’m guessing that a store that deals in white lacy frocks and bonnets for the discerning, yet fashionable Old Testament follower in your life. The name of the store? “Oldies but Goodies: single fiber clothing for the single person.”

But, the fact she was even wearing it out says a lot about her. There’s a lot of self confidence for her, given that she’s one of God’s chosen. It’s fantastic to have that kind of self confidence in your wardrobe, since I get self conscious if I wear a sweater with those shoulder strap things that make me look a bit like a sargeant at arms. Especially if it’s green. Oh god, and with my brown skin tone? I look like a freaking tree.

But again, I’m not one to judge. Don’t you dare forget that.